World Cup 2006: Sven-Goran Eriksson, a very English eccentric…
Behind their stiff upper lips and Dunkirk spirit, the English secretly like the odd moment of madness. The Finns have a wife-carrying contest and the residents of Bunol in Spain take to the streets for a day to fling tomatoes at each other, but they can’t hold a candle to the English at their most eccentric.
We’re far madder than that. We chase cheeses down hillsides. We wassail apple trees.* A large part of the nation spent years believing that Tim Henman could win Wimbledon. Bonkers, we are.
The only explanation for this is a strange combination of planetary activity and tradition. On Monday a long-established event took place – the announcement of the England squad. But it must have happened just as Jupiter and Saturn converged with Uranus because millions of normally sensible people temporarily lost their marbles and shouted at televisions, radios and newspapers. How quaint.
It is an occasion notorious for attracting nutters like a full moon attracts werewolves. As Sven dealt his last cards before departing to leave Steve ‘Interesting’ McClaren in charge, much of the nation flung its hands up as one and howled “That’s it – might as well book Benidorm now. Two fit strikers and one of ‘em needs permission to stay up for evening games. £5 million a year? He’s a clown, that Eriksson.” All this a whole month before a ball has been kicked in anger.
Sven has long been berated for being a bit of a cold fish. Pilloried for lacking passion, he is portrayed in the media as a man who probably folds his socks and underpants in alphabetical order before mounting his latest conquest and rhythmically humping her with metronomic timing and Volvo-esque levels of safety and efficiency. He’s not a proper England manager – he doesn’t jump around and shout a lot like Big Sam or Stuart Pearce, does he?
Sadly the nutters have missed one fundamental point; in naming this squad, the Swede has finally shown he’s one of us. This is a slice of quintessentially English batty eccentricity. The “who needs strikers anyway?” approach isn’t just Sven chasing cheese down a hill; he’s doing it on stilts (how else does he talk to Peter Crouch?) in a Kermit costume. The knowledge that Germany 2006 is his last hurrah has freed his mind and allowed him to throw off the shackles of conservative restraint. This is his version of the post-resignation act of strolling into the office two hours late, goosing a secretary or two (well, old habits die hard), photocopying his arse and telling the boss exactly what he thinks of him. So whaddaya gonna do, fire me? We’ve all thought about it at some point; very few have had the balls to carry it out. Sven has.
There has been much comment on the merits of the chosen few and equally those who were disappointed; some of it sensible, much of it utter bollocks. Jermaine Jenas? Maybe he answered someone else’s mobile when the call came in. Sol Campbell? Sven probably recognises a kindred fruit loop when he sees one. No Darren Bent? Maybe he’s just this season’s Kevin Phillips. Owen Hargreaves? He can allegedly play at right back and speak German, thus he might come in handy when Wayne Bridge needs bailing out of police custody. Lennon and Downing? Both more consistent than Shaun W-P this year. Peter Crouch? Someone has to nibble the leaves on the tops of the trees.
Then there is Theo Walcott – the selection that tiptoes drunkenly along the fine line between genius and madness, the Swede’s stab at surreal humour and one that would have made Spike Milligan proud. Sven’s coup de grace, his genitals in the watercooler before being ejected by security moment. A seventeen year old with no Premiership experience who didn’t see Michael Owen’s goal against Argentina in 1998 as it was past his bedtime. We’re doomed.
I beg to differ. The reaction to Walcott’s inclusion personifies the natural state of pessimism that orbits English football like a Chris Waddle penalty. Uncapped Brazilian teenagers are spoken of in hushed, revered tones. Self-appointed experts nod knowingly. “He’s class – new Pele, they’re saying…” having seen a grainy fifteen second video of said player scoring one thirty yard corker, an exquisite two yard tap-in with half a dozen eye-boggling stepovers thrown in for good measure.
Walcott might not get off the bench like Ronaldo didn’t in 1994. If he does, he could run around like an over-excited spring lamb and be about as effective as Boris Johnson in an England shirt. He might get booked, throw himself to the floor and have a tantrum that only his mum, warm milk and a bedtime story can cure. But he might just be the spark (think Gascoigne at Italia ’90 or Rooney at Euro 2004) to send the nation into that ridiculous state called hope once more. So think of young Theo as the boy who might be our own little bit of Brazilian magic – surely better than praying before x-rays of Rooney’s foot, isn’t it?
Not content with moaning about the injustices and peculiarities of the squad, football’s nutters have gone even further. They have extrapolated their lunacy, formed a few conspiracy theories and pointed an accusatory finger at David Dein. Apparently the Arsenal chief has been a busy man. From failed recruitment consultant in the Scolari debacle, he has now transformed himself into a one-man selection committee and team manager, having completed a short-term contract as a chef in an East London hotel with a nice sideline in germ warfare. Please, you’re not barking up the wrong tree – you’re just barking. Which is of course fine as you’re English and therefore allowed to be once in a while.
The ageing, world-weary cynic in me is now at peace with the national side. I never expect anything from them and in general they don’t disappoint me. I have a month of football to gorge myself upon and I’ll be fucked if I’m going to let the possibility of England being shite (again) spoil my appetite.
But just think – instead of Owen Hargreaves appearing when England are 1-0 down and in need of a miracle, there might be a couple of uncapped ADHD-crazed teenagers in England shirts jumping around on the touchline. A nervous continental full back twice their age with tired legs will eye them nervously as Sven totters around the technical area on his stilts, singing ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green.’
It could all be more embarrassing than Richard and Judy’s ‘Little Britain’ impressions. It might be an unmitigated footballing disaster of Taylor-esque proportions. Despite all this, to pull the finest Hollywood cliché I can find out of the bag – it’s so damned crazy that it might just work. But whatever happens, in the twilight of his England career Sven has finally shown that beneath his emotionless exterior there now lies that little streak of eccentricity which runs through every Englishman. So get on your stilts and just enjoy the ride.
* wassailing is the ancient custom of singing to fruit trees to bring good luck and ensure a decent crop in the forthcoming year. Told you we were crackers.
- Posted at 01:55 PM · Permalink · Print · 2773 views · Last indexed by Google on the 15th May 2008
- Tags: Internationals, Jonathan Dyer, Miscellaneous, Players, World Cup
This article could be really funny if not being so sad. I was almost fighting with my friends who called me an idiot for supporting England. I was shouting on each corner that this year England is going to win. Right now my friends I am going to support Chelsea when I watch English team. It all started so well……..
A joy to read!
I must admit to being one of those Englishmen who lost his marbles and shouted at his TV, more specifically Sky Sports News (a common occurence anyway) on Monday. But it didn’t take me long to calm down; so much so that I’m pretty excited by the inclusion of Walcott - although it’s more than likely he’ll warm the bench in the same way Joe Cole did in 2002, and Sven won’t prove to be quite the English eccentric his squad suggests him to be.
My next borderline throw-the-tv-out-of-the-window moment will occur when Sven names Campbell ahead of John Terry for the opening game.
>>when Sven names Campbell ahead of John Terry for the opening game
I’d imagine that Currys will be doing a roaring trade in replacement plasma screens if that happens…
Next announcement will be Stuart Pearce’s apppointment as assistant manager and tactics altered suitably - perhaps David James will play up front with Terry playing in the hole. Peter Crouch using his height in central defence or even in goal.
It’s all gone barmier than the barmy army on barmy pills.
Great article again!
Bloody Hell JD! the article should have carried a Hazzard Warning. I’ve just sprayed my screen with coffee I was happily drinking until I read the Volvo reference.
Keep up the good work!!!
By the way Lordmorf I thought Sven might enjoy playing in the hole instead of JT
OOH I say sexual innuendo, can’t be having that.
Enough already - I’m not having you lot dragging this site down into the gutter by filling it with double entendres and sexual innuendo. That’s my job.
Just finished to watch UEFA final
Correct me, if I am wrong. That is Stewart Downing from wonder Sven’s list and this is Steve “Interesting†McLaren next English manager. Open up Kingston valves anyway we are drowning. Thanks for service gentleman.
What a piece,…
The lady who just past by…
Okay this article is NOT funny…
I see England not reachig the second round…BITTER PILL BUT WITH THIS SQUAD ENGLAND NEEDS A MIRACLE…WHO KNOWS?
Mike - was rather sobering I thought. Boro were battered and Sevilla weren’t a particularly great side, just very efficient. It’s unfair to damn McClaren before he starts, but his tactical approach seemed to involve flinging more and more strikers on until the defence was so full of holes it couldn’t cope anymore.
A little worrying, I have to say.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/h.....762855.stm
The REAL England manager has spoken again. He reckons Eriksson should start with Walcott in a game or two. Meanwhile, hear his reason for not playing Walcott up till now:
“The reason I did not use him this season was that I was never in a situation where I could afford to take a risk.
“Every game we were in desperate need for points, either in the league or the Champions League, so I went more for experienced playersâ€.
In other words, England can afford to take a risk (not minding that two frontline strikers are crocked!). And even if we can’t afford to take a risk, we do not deserve to play “experienced players†in the place of his untested ward. Talk about inverted logic!
Furthermore, he talks of a gentleman’s agreement with Eriksson for Walcott not to take part in Arsenal’s Champions League final in Paris! Why? One would have thought this was a godsend opportunity for Eriksson to finally watch the boy in a competitive condition at the top level. You would think he’d jump at the opportunity to see the boy strut his stuff at a level akin to what he’s likely to face at the World Cup. Instead, Wenger is now telling us of a gentleman’s agreement! The fact that Wenger himself isn’t obviously very keen to use the boy in Paris is statement enough for the discerning.
To Jonathan Dyer
Well we must to get on the ground my friends. there was only one who wanted to walk on water now we have another one his name Ericson. Only time will show, if he is profit or just a fraud
The issue with Theo is not the boy’s age or his potential. The issue is that he’s never had any kind of competitive experience of top level football. Pele, Rooney and Gascoigne had the experience before they were capped. In fact, Ronaldo was already a star with one of Brazil’s foremost clubs, Cruzeiro for two years before the 1994 World Cup. More importantly, it was made clear from the beginning that his inclusion in the World Cup squad was not to play, but to be an understudy to Romario and Bebeto and fraternize with the squad in a big competition atmosphere, since the whole nation was agreed on the fact that he was going to be a mainstay of the national team thereafter. Brazil could afford the luxury to taking Ronaldo to the US in 1994 because they had a fully fit squad.
Theo’s situation is different. He’s being chosen as one of only two fit strikers for the World Cup. Eriksson is taking Walcott when the frontline is ravaged by horrendous injuries. For fear of breaking down, Eriksson advises Owen not to play a testimonial and Rooney, at least to those who want to be realistic, is ruled out already. I personally cannot see Owen surviving the group stages – recurrence of his injury or lack of match fitness will take him out. Crouch is not suitable to be played upfront alone and, if he’s played with Theo, I doubt World Cup conditions would be the right place to begin to understand each other. Yeah, the boy may spring surprises, but if he does, it won’t be enough, because football is a team sports.
Any coach who wants to win this thing hasn’t woken up a few days ago to decide on some wonder boy. The World Cup is about organization and tip-top preparation. The expectation of the English is that they win it, not even a semi-final berth will assuage such expectation. This was why Eriksson was hired in the first place. We all were prepared to say in 2002 that it took Brazil to stop him going all the way. This time, England is already beaten at home by the unprofessional conduct of those in charge of football administration in the country.
Kenn, in all fairness to Wenger he is right in what he is saying - he couldn’t afford to take risks given Arsenal’s situation and whilst he didn’t spell it out he has basically said that England can’t afford not to given their current predicament.
Of course his motives aren’t completely selfless - he also knows full well that the bigger the impact Walcott makes on the World Cup, the more bums it will potentially put on seats at Ashburton Grove next season. Irrespective of our views of him, he is one hell of a shrewd manager and wouldn’t it be typical of him if Henry went off to Barcelona and Walcott returned from the World Cup a superstar without having kicked a ball for Arsenal’s first team?!
I don’t particularly rate Eriksson - I think he is a classic 1990’s manager who is generally wedded to strict 4-4-2 football which he plays with great individuals but never the best team; football has moved on so much with the emergence of managers like Wenger, Mourinho and Benitez and I don’t think he has kept up with the pace of change in the game. Some of the selections do seem a tad desperate, especially given that quite a few players played in the friendlies and subsequently didn’t make the squad. He is taking one hell of a gamble, but injuries to two key players of Owen and Rooney’s stature would pretty much screw most of the teams going to the World Cup.
Jonathan, I hear you but I think what Ken is trying to say here is if a player is not worth risking for a premiership club because of risk of losing a match….then why should he be good enough to play at the world stage….Forget Wenger…he is a schemer through and through….
But the stakes at hand given the circumstances are: Two strikers are out leaving beanpole and fresh legs…Where is the impact coming from? I see a lot of strain being put on the midfield…For me Gerrard when too exerted is bound to burst…it has happened before and can happen again…that is why pool had to get in the support cast of Alonso, sissoko and Hamman…Lamps and Carrick (bar he eats in a “bad” restaurant) can not stomach the midfield of a class B team like: Sweden (they have beaten England with a better squad) and Paraguay (Now these guys gave brazil and Argentina a run for theirmoney) meaning that England gets out at the first straw….
There is need for more fire power…alot more otherwise…
Did any one watch paraguay play against wales in Cardiff….
They were lacking their lead striker then…
Paraguay was playing away from home….
This is so stupid.
Of course, players like Lampard or Gerrard can carry a team, but to gamble so much (all 4 attackers are gambles, for different reasons) is completely absurd.
I mean, Wenger didn’t use Walcott because… there was too much at stake! He couldn’t afford to gamble with Theo, because he didn’t know how he would respond.
He will not gamble in the Champions League final because, again, there’s too much at stake. Or does anybody really believe he could me tricked into making a gentleman’s agreement not to use Henry?
But Eriksson can gamble on Walcott, because there is nothing important at stake.
He has absolutely nothing to loose. Not even his dignity, it seems…
England has no chance of making it to the final, or so Mr. Eriksson thinks.
So, why not have some fun?
Jesus. And I thought Scolari was bad….
Hey guys Chelsea bloggers let’s meet on the Chelsea parade day and have a pint or more together!!! parade starts at 13.00 so we can all meet El Brrok Common at 12.300 at point number 4 refreshments. Tell me what do you think.
mike
Jonathan,
Some sort of risk is always involved in choosing players for a tournament, even with players that are supposedly fit and reliable. In other words, anything can happen. What every manager tries to do is maximize the advantage or whatever positives they have and limit the risks. You only take risks when there are no orthodox answers to the problem(s) at hand. Maximizing the advantage in England’s situation means calling on the fit and able world-class players in the squad to take up extra responsibilities because one or two other world-class players are injured or unfit at the moment, while ensuring that the unfit and injured are given maximum chance and support to be ready for the day (if there’s that slight possibility). In other words, people like Lampard, Gerrard, Terry, Rio, Campbell, Joe Cole, Beckham, Ashley Cole and Gary Neville need to step up, because Rooney and Owen are doubts. While these boys are put under this kind of positive pressure, Owen and Rooney should then be given every support - medical, psychological and physical - to make it, if they can.
Limiting the risks involves not making the kind of changes whose results you are not sure of. For instance, knowing that you are already operating at a ‘disadvantage’ with the loss of key men should guide your choice of people to bring into the team to possibly play their role. You would be limiting the risks if you choose those you know, those you have watched and those you are sure have the big game experience at the top level, even if they’re uncapped. The fact that Rooney and Owen are injured need not make Eriksson’s risk-hormones run riot to the extent of taking an untested 17 year-old, when there is a long list of proven and tested strikers of all shapes and sizes to choose from. I need not mention that some of these ignored strikers are capable of making the first eleven in some of the contending teams in the World Cup. You see, no matter how Eriksson and his acolytes spin this, fact is we have never heard of any World Cup coach admitting that he made the choice of who to take to the World Cup the morning he named the team. We have never heard of any manager who picked a player he’s never watched play and we have never heard of any who picked a player that has never played at the top level in his country or outside his country for a substantive World Cup spot. It is a risk too far not only to choose uncapped players, but in Walcott’s case, an uncapped player that has never played any game at the top level and whose record at the lower level is more hype than results.
In fact, there are wider risks involved in choosing people who have never mixed with others within the team. For instance, this could raise social problems within the group, because it means entirely new people coming in to experience a culture they may not readily like. There could be tensions arising from personality conflicts, different values, temperament or misunderstanding of any sort. It could even arise from the fact that the new persons do not travel well – a fact that could have been clear if the fellow had been part of the team sometime before. In other words, Sven, his staff and the rest of the boys could be learning new disruptive things that emanate from Walcott and Lennon, which none of them were in a position to know before, because they’ve never been part of the set-up prior to now. These problems may actually not be football-related, but they may be strong enough to affect morale or preparation in camp. While it is okay to learn these new things about each other in lesser competitions or in club situations (where there’s time for everyone to adjust), the World Cup is not the place to begin to see that sort of thing. Of course, unlike, the manager of a club, the manager of a World Cup team has a whole country to choose from, but while that has its own obvious limitations, it’s a limitation applicable to every other competing nation. Injury or no injury, you play the players you’ve got, but you need to optimize your chances by calling up the right people before getting to Germany. In more than one instance, I personally do not think Sven has made the right decision. In those instances, politics and selfish interests seem to have prevailed.
As for Wenger, I am not concerned about the morals or the right and wrong of his position. I am concerned about whose interest he’s serving by having this kind of unseemly influence within the FA and over the foreign coach that now leads England. If, as you say he’s right because he couldn’t afford to take risks given Arsenal’s situation, why then is it right for England to embrace the risks he’s soundly rejected, given their current predicament? Can you imagine Mourinho or Sir Alex having that kind of influence within the French national team set-up simply because they’re top coaches with French national team players or prospects in their squads? Wenger does not even have that kind of influence in the French FA! He’s been hovering over England too much for comfort. If he wanted the job, Dein should have let him have it, rather than playing Svengali from behind the scenes. After all, when all is said and done, he’s never had the experience of being manager of a national side; so he really cannot say he knows fully what he’s talking about. To put it simply, Mr Wenger’s explanations are unconvincing and his actions over the matter raise more questions than answers. You say his motive “aren’t completely selflessâ€, but I’m still struggling to see the part of it that is selfless in any way. We are not talking the Kirin Cup here; we’re talking the World Cup and Wenger burdening England with a 17 year-old he himself wouldn’t bring on in any first team match is a farce of the highest order!
What I see is a man who’s completely selfish over this matter. If Theo goes to the World Cup and blows it, Wenger walks away from it all without risking anything or losing anything, after all, he’s not English. In fact, we are wont to hear him blame the nation for expecting too much from a 17 year-old boy. If the guy performs, he welcomes him a hero and plays the sage, with everyone worshipping at his altar and proclaiming him the only one with an eye for talent, while conveniently papering over the fact that he never had the cojones to blood the boy before now. Of course, I do not doubt his abilities as a coach or his shrewdness for that matter; I just don’t see his conduct in this England manager-Walcott affair as helpful in any way. I don’t blame him though; I blame those who allow themselves to be taken for the ride – the FA.
Jose,
I know what you mean when you say Paraguay gave Argentina and Brazil a run for their money. They took the fourth place with a game to spare, I think. But then, any South American team would give the other a game, no matter the disparity in rankings because of the fierce competition, pride and nationalistic issues involved. Besides, they understand each others’ game better than outsiders.
So, yeah, Paraguay, like any South American team, would always be dangerous, but it would be a different kettle of fish playing a European team with the depth of England, especially because they’re severely weakened in defence and attack by a combination of age and injury. Gamara who marshals their backline is, at almost 35, not the force he used to be and with Chilavert now safely in retirement, no one in the team is that natural leader with the forceful personality to push them forward. Roque Santa Cruz, the striker you refer to has been hampered by injury throughout the season. In fact, he’s just managed to make some brief cameos from the bench for Bayern Munich as the season is coming to a close and frankly, I can’t see him being hundred percent at the World Cup. Their hope would rest on Carlos Paredes, a Lampard-like midfielder who England should police carefully.
I believe England won’t have any problem at the group stages, even if they play an all-reserves side. They have one of the easiest groups in the whole competition. None of the teams there, including Sweden should give them much problem. I am more worried about what happens from the second round onward.
Kenn,
True any decent England squad would give paraguay a complete thrushing.
But this team…
back line
Ferdinard - capable of playing a grat game and yet again he has prooved fragile in other circumstances.
The Injurt list
JT - Has an injury do not know how bad…but he is down
Come in Campbell - Do I need to rate this guy?
Ashley Cole - just off an injury
Wayne Bridge - How fit is he…had a few good games for fulham…How tiptop is he…
That leaves Carragah and G Nev
How many doctors is England going with for the W Cup?
Kenn - I think you’re reading far too much into this. Yes, it is a huge gamble but I’d rather he took it than putting Darren Bent on the plane. Yes, Wenger has his own selfish motives but then again, show me someone in football who doesn’t. And to turn it around - if Wenger didn’t think it was wise to put Walcott in, he’d have been shouting about how ridiculous it was from the rooftops to anyone that would listen. Neither manager has anything to lose and much to gain; if Rooney does continue to regain fitness at the current rate this might all be academic as young Theo could be sitting in the stands watching.
I’m sorry, but the Wenger / Dein related conspiracy theories are getting to the stage where Oliver Stone could have written them now. Walcott is in there because of his ‘Boy Wonder’ potential. It might be a fucking disaster. It might be a masterstroke. And that’s about it, I’m afraid!
No disagreement that the FA are useless though - then again, what’s new there?
Jonathan,
To be frank, I really don’t know how you can support the claim that I’m “reading far too much into thisâ€. You certainly haven’t done so in any of your posts so far. We obviously are miles apart on the key issues here; so, let’s just say we agree to disagree.
CHEERS!
Jose,
I trust the England team to survive the group stages, no matter what. I can’t imagine the prospect of Paraguay and Trinidad and Tobago keeping them from progressing. If that happens, it would be the biggest disaster in English football for a long time. I just don’t want to countenance it.
Didier Drogba is determined to leave Chelsea in the summer after becoming disillusioined with life in the Premiership. (The Guardian)
Well, almost the same scenario , almost the same players on the Barca side. It just shows that they could not go through where we failed.
Oh dear, it’s that Norwegian ref again. He must be a Barca fan and surely must be prevented from refereeing any more of their games.
Will be interesting to see how the press deals with Arsenal’s whinging and sore-loser attitude in comparison to how they would have presented it had Mourinho been the one complaining. Henry’s comments about ‘diving like women’ was funny - with Cole, Reyes, Pires and now especially Eboue in his side! At least he supported JM’s comments about this ref.